Friday, November 20th, 2009
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12:29 pm - Useless, upside-down body chemistry.
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I know perfectly well that caffeine makes me sleepy. I am more than aware that sugar has the same affect. Yet everytime I volunteer here I suck down sweetened coffee like it's my last hope for life. When I'm already running on far too little sleep.
Subsequently I've almost faceplanted onto the desk three times. Why do I do this to myself?
current mood:  stupid
current music: Candye Kane - Crazy Little Thing
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Saturday, October 31st, 2009
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11:13 am
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Last night my (male) housemate/landlord/friend was ordering me to muster up the energy to go to bed. I pointed out that he wasn't my mother.
"If it'll get you into bed, I'll put on a dress" was a particularly unfortunate choice of words on his part.
current mood:  amused
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Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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3:50 pm
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I seem to have arranged to spend the next three days volunteering alongside people I don't like. How did that happen?
current mood:  bemused
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Saturday, October 24th, 2009
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11:44 am - Why didn't I watch this over a year ago?
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) charmax's super sexy, super joyful International Day Of Femslash vid. Go watch it in HQ.
current mood:  rejuvenated
current music: Patricia O Callaghan - I'm Your Man
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Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
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5:22 pm - I can saw a woman in two, but you won't want to look in the box when I'm through
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I can make love disappear, for my next trick I'll need a volunteer (step right up!).
Bloody song's been stuck in my head for over a week.
Naomi Shihab Nye - Two Countries
Skin remembers how long the years grow
when skin is not touched, a gray tunnel
of singleness, feather lost from the tail
of a bird, swirling onto a step,
swept away by someone who never saw
it was a feather. Skin ate, walked,
slept by itself, knew how to raise a
see-you-later hand. But skin felt
it was never seen, never known as
a land on the map, nose like a city,
hip like a city, gleaming dome of the mosque
and the hundred corridors of cinnamon and rope.
Skin had hope, that's what skin does.
Heals over the scarred place, makes a road.
Love means you breathe in two countries.
And skin remembers--silk, spiny grass,
deep in the pocket that is skin's secret own.
Even now, when skin is not alone,
it remembers being alone and thanks something larger
that there are travelers, that people go places
larger than themselves.
current mood:  drained
current music: Warren Zevon - For My Next Trick I'll Need a Volunteer
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Saturday, October 17th, 2009
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11:16 pm - You're probably shy and introspective (that's not part of my objective)
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Argh. I want either a scrawny, geeky, subby guy or a muscular, geeky, subby butch. Or a lanky one. Or not geeky. (Butch and subby are less optional.)
Marge Piercy - How You Stare
Your smile is a rubber ball
bounding twice on each step.
Ah those little loves with zippers.
You stand dreaming,
a centipede on honey,
and lick one foot at a time.
current mood:  horny
current music: Pansy Division - Flower
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Thursday, October 15th, 2009
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5:34 pm
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Dorothy Parker - Ballade Of A Great Weariness
There's little to have but the things I had,
There's little to bear but the things I bore.
There's nothing to carry and naught to add,
And glory to Heaven, I paid the score.
There's little to do but I did before,
There's little to learn but the things I know;
And this is the sum of a lasting lore:
Scratch a lover, and find a foe.
( And couldn't it be I was young and mad )
current mood:  wary
current music: Amanda Palmer - Sorry Bunch
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Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
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6:48 pm - Dilemmas of the incredibly shallow.
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I'm considering cutting off most of my hair. All of it in a buzzcut except the single, thin calf-length braid I have.
On the one hand, it would look So Damn Cool. On the other, I'm not sure I could take the Padawan jokes. The endless, endless Padawan jokes.
Poll #1470702 Make my style decisions for me, damnit.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 9Do I... What's your suggestion?
current mood:  contemplative
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Sunday, October 11th, 2009
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11:39 pm - Familial love.
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I did something incredibly stupid a while back and I finally told my brother about it, in tears and terrified that he was going to lose respect for me.
He made a Disapproving Noise down the phone and told me that it was a idiot, morally fuzzy thing for me to do, but that it looked like no notable repercussions had resulted from it.
And that I was still his little sister and he loved me.
(Although he hoped I would learn better from it.)
current mood:  relieved
current music: Gwyneth Herbert - Lay You Down
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6:39 pm - is it gonna be wild, is it gonna be the best time?
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I can't seem to stop writing porn! It's like starting puberty all over again.
Naomi Shihab Nye - Spruce Street, Berkeley
If a street is named for a tree,
it is right that flowers
bloom purple and feel like cats,
that people are leaves drifting
downhill in morning fog.
Everyone came outside to see
the moon setting like a perfect
orange mouth tipped up to heaven.
Now the cars sleep against curbs.
If I write a letter,
how will I make it long enough?
There is a place to stand
where you can see so many lights
you forget you are one of them.
current mood:  ramblin' woman
current music: Dar Williams - Travelling Again
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Saturday, October 10th, 2009
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11:28 am - this may be hard to hear, but all your tricks are really clear
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Kaylin Haught - God Says Yes to Me
I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
And she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
And she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
Or not wear nail polish
And she said honey
She calls me that sometimes
She said you can do just exactly
What you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it okay even if I don’t paragraph
My letters
Sweetcakes God said
Who knows where she picked that up
What I’m telling you is
Yes yes yes
current mood:  pensive
current music: Garfunkel and Oates - As You Are
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Friday, October 9th, 2009
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10:55 am - Suuuuuuuunshine!
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At the right time on a sunny day the skylights leave a long patch of sunshine across my bed. Yesterday I spent several hours curled up in it naked, with a bag of lollipops and a copy of Lolita. Lovely way to do some reading.
Naomi Shihab Nye - Sewing, Knitting, Crocheting...
A small striped sleeve in her lap,
navy and white,
needles carefully whipping in yarn from two sides.
She reminds me of the wide-angled women
filled with calm
I pretended I was related to
in crowds.
In the next seat
a yellow burst of wool
grows into a hat with a tassel.
She looks young to crochet.
I'm glad history isn't totally lost.
Her silver hook dips gracefully.
( And when's the last time you saw anyone sew a pocket onto a gray linen shirt in public? )
current mood:  sleepy
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Thursday, October 8th, 2009
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12:04 pm
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Naomi Shihab Nye - The List
A man told me he had calculated
the exact number of books
he would be able to read before he died
by figuring the average number
of books he read per month
and his probable earth span,
(averaging how long
his dad and grandpa had lived,
adding on a few years since he
exercised more than they did).
Then he made a list of necessary books,
nonfiction mostly, history, philosophy,
fiction, and poetry from different time periods
so there wouldn’t be large gaps in his mind.
He had given up frivolous reading entirely.
There are only so many days.
( Oh, I felt sad to hear such an organized plan. )
current mood:  peaceful
current music: Josie Cotton - Johnny Are You Queer
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Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
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3:19 pm
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I've moved from the lounge to my room. Unpacked about half/two-thirds of my stuff and now I'm ignoring the rest because I can't be bothered.
It's a lovely little attic room with very low sloping walls/ceiling. I've already developed a slight sideways cant to my stance in response to it. I have skylights!
All I need now is someone pretty to give me a hand with my new bed. Any takers?
current mood:  mischievous
current music: Dar Williams - Alleluia
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Sunday, October 4th, 2009
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11:17 am - On the whole Lambda thing.
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While I'm sympathetic to the straight writers who feel rejected, some of you are saying some seriously offensive shit.
'Pink triangles!' 'Separate water fountains!' 'We should make our own award for m/m by straight writers!' Is not being a good ally. More along the lines of "with friends like these, who needs enemies?"
Writing about queer folks doesn't make you queer. A worrying amount of you are behaving like the stereotypical homophobic bloke who likes girl/girl porn.
Cut it the fuck out.
current mood:  busy
current music: The World/Inferno Friendship Society- Ich Erinnere Mich an Die Weimarer Republik
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Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
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10:34 am - but a grave separateness has invaded the world
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While I am still attempting to avoid making things the problem of mutual friends, I am feeling more than slightly raw right now.
Why is it people say bullshit like 'I don't want to lose a friendship over this!' then treat you like shit and get angry when you eventually tell them to piss off? Fixing a friendship requires letting go of things, you can't have that and the vengeance you want.
Love isn't something you feel, it's something you do. Doesn't work any differently for friendships.
ETA: I know there will probably be people, quite plausibly including them, who will see my desire to leave prior sores and grudges as proof that I must have hurt them so much more than they hurt me; otherwise how could I just claim it's not important?
And...no. There was and is a lot of anger on both sides, but pain is so very short and life is so much shorter that we haven't the time to hold onto some things. There are always new plans to be made.
current mood:  sad
current music: Gwen Knighton - My Fairytale
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Friday, October 2nd, 2009
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2:35 pm - Feeling pretty and witty and...
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There are very few things that can redeem the song 'I Kissed A Girl'. Amanda Palmer is one of them.
The other is John Barrowman in hot pants and heels doing bad karaoke.
This is such a drag queen song.
current mood: amused
current music: Orthodox Celts - Gentleman Soldier
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Monday, September 28th, 2009
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1:26 pm - how desolate the landscape can be
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Another Naomi Shihab Nye poem.
Naomi Shihab Nye - Kindness
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
( Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness )
current mood:  soft
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Sunday, September 27th, 2009
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11:56 pm - On retrospective, I might have preferred the stress.
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Dear, sweet lord. I forgot how high my libido was. How the hell did I use to handle this thing? Less than a year of high-level stress has undone over seven of effort and control.
current mood:  just a little frustrated
current music: Jonathan Coulton - First Of May
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5:15 pm - Have to get some of Naomi Shihab Nye's books.
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I have a tendency to get embarrassingly damp eyed over this poem.
Naomi Shihab Nye - Wandering Around an Albuquerque Airport Terminal
After learning my flight was detained 4 hours,
I heard the announcement:
If anyone in the vicinity of gate 4-A understands any Arabic,
Please come to the gate immediately.
Well -- one pauses these days. Gate 4-A was my own gate. I went there.
An older woman in full traditional Palestinian dress,
Just like my grandma wore, was crumpled to the floor, wailing loudly.
Help, said the flight service person. Talk to her. What is her
Problem? we told her the flight was going to be four hours late and she
Did this.
I put my arm around her and spoke to her haltingly.
Shu dow-a, shu- biduck habibti, stani stani schway, min fadlick,
Sho bit se-wee?
( The minute she heard any words she knew -- however poorly used -
She stopped crying. )
current mood:  hopeful
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